State of Dissolution

4,3,Too,1…Crash

Four months of rehearsals.

Three performances, so far.

Too many wardrobe changes.

One experience that I will never forget.

So as you can probably guess, I was in a show. And I have to say, the experience was amazing. I was able to bond with the women who I am proud to call my “sisters”, as well as the other actors in the show. This was one performance that was both emotionally gratifying and draining at the same time. I’ve never been so elated in the past few years, years which were stained with bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts. And that’s the problem.

After every big performance that I take part in, whether it be a variety show with a college club or this performance, I use it primarily as a tool to distract myself. I thrive on these situations where I’m forced to put all of this effort into pulling off a performance, something which I normally don’t do. I suppose it’s part of my addictive personality. But once the show is over, I begin to crash. I can feel it now. The miasma of self-loathing and self-hatred is starting to descend upon my being and I don’t know how to stop it. Every time this happens, it gets worse and worse. One day, I won’t be able to make it out alive, I think. My friends who know about this tell me that I need help. But for as long as I’ve been living like this, I don’t think it will work even if I get it. And you know what? I’m okay with that. Maybe it is time to give in.

So, here’s to the crash. And should I make it through this one, I know the next time will only be worse.

23 deep ass questions. Ask me one or two or all of them.

• 1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
• 2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
• 3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?
• 4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
• 5. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Love and Trust.
• 6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not?
• 7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?
• 8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
• 9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not?
• 10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
• 11. Does love = sex?
• 12.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not?
• 13.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
• 14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite/same sex, you love them or that you do not love them back?
• 15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
• 16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
• 17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why?
• 18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
• 19.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?
• 20. Are you old fashioned?
• 21. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
• 22.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
• 23.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?